pondering. (:

Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
Which is worse, failing or never trying?
If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
Would you break the law to save a loved one?
Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?
What’s holding you back?
Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
Do you push the elevator button more than once?
Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
Why are you, you?
Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
What are you most grateful for?
Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
Has your greatest fear ever come true?
Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?
Does it really matter now?

What is your happiest childhood memory?
What makes it so special?

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? If not now, then when?
If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
What do you love?
Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?
What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

Nervous

In a little over 6 hours I will be having a biopsy on my cervix.to say the least I am extremely anxious to get it over with!! I'm such a baby when it comes to pain so I went ahead and took tomorrow off of work. I could have cervical cancer, which i'm hoping & praying it isn't! At this point, i'm only afraid of the pain Moreau than the results...I know that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle & I really have been trying to remind myself of this. Basically ok wrote this to clear my mind & have this to look back on.keep you guys posted on how it went & results!! hopefully I'll be able to get some rest now that I've cleared my mind

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but a car can't drive to Heaven...

i hate to start this blog off on a bad note....but this is usually what gets me writing. by the end of the blog i'm usually turned around onto something positive so i hope it works this time.

i want so bad for my angels in Heaven to be back on Earth, breathing, down the street in their homes, visiting me at my home, driving their cars safely to work, meeting the family for dinner, washing their face, brushing their teeth and getting into bed. i want my angels. i really need them.

i know they are here, and can see everything i am doing and are along for the journey with me but damn it, can i just see them? can i just hear their voices & smell their scent? i just want to hug them, and kiss them, and laugh with them and cry with them - the things that we all take for granted with the important people in our lives, i want that back! i never knew how much i would miss it.

Curt was a very special man in my life. He went to school with my mom so they had previously known each other but hadn't talked in a while until they ran into each other at a local gas station near my house. He had lived off a street that my family lived off of when my parents were still together, about a half of a mile away from the house i was & am still currently living in today. the weather was bad, maybe even snowing (which is unheard of if you know where i'm from) and she had gone into the convenient store for milk or bread, something everyone freaks about making sure they have in snowy/icy weather. while she was inside, i had pressed the lock button on the door without knowing. Mom came out to the car & was laughing (a little upset) telling me to unlock the door. i was 4 years old at the time, you think i know how i locked the door in the first place? psh. as she's telling me to unlock the door, he walks up to her laughing at the predicament i had put us in. somehow the door got unlocked & she invited him over to see our new house & catch up on old times. They dated for a while after that....& then they didn't. in most cases, when a couple goes their separate ways, they no longer contact that person. This is what makes Curt such an amazing man. He loved my mom, he loved me, he still wanted to be a part of our lives. He was there from the time i was 4 until he passed away 3 years ago. I could not imagine my life today if that man had never been a part of it. He was one of the best supporters in everything i did. He was at most of my softball games, he came to my soccer tryouts (lol) he bought my first & second prom dress, he told me all of the time he had a college fund saved up for me & that i could go to college wherever i wanted, as long as i promised to play ball & make good grades.
i wish he were here. to see where i am, to have been through the journey with me, to support me, to make peanut better & lotsa jelly sandwiches with me (& debating over who made the perfect sandwich each time) when mom was having leftovers, to call me picklehead & bid on me to my mom (one time it was seriously up to about $75,000;; kidding of course!) he was amazing, outspoken, generous, caring, gentle, sweet, hot tempered, active, smart......i could honestly go on & on. he is that genuine guy, that everyone loves, everyone wants to be around & invite everywhere. he was a very popular man & i'm sure the way i see him is the way a lot of other people saw him too....but it was different for me. i was his picklehead! i don't even know where that name came from...but i don't even care. i love it. it's childish, yes, embarrassing, yes, but i would do sooo much to hear him say that to me, just one more time.

i miss my angel.

now that i've gotten that off my chest, let's catch you guys up to where i am today.

1. i am living with my mom still. my sister moved back in & normally, i would say i am sooo happy about that, BUT it's kinda caused a good bit of problems between me & my mom. i'm sure i'll write plenty of blogs about that later sooo i'll leave it with this- it's not my sister's fault, it's not my mom's fault, & it is not my fault for the issues going on right now. it's just going to take some adjusting.

2. i am currently attending a community college in my hometown. it's a huge change from being at the University of Memphis, but i love it. getting to class is a lot easier, the drive is short which means i can wake up later :) for those of you who know me know that i hate mornings with a passion. i love school. i don't want to leave it. i've grown to love the campus, it's home to me. i ended the semester with a 3.3 and next semester i'll be taking 18 hours. we'll see how that works out! everyone pray for me :)

3. i am dating Danny. i met him last november & so much has happened since then, his wreck, his move to Oxford, a boyfriend (that wasn't him) & a realization that being together was where we both needed to be. i never thought he'd become my rock, but he definitely has. i tell him everything, and i always want his opinion on everything. i need to remember not to take him for granted because he could be gone in the blink of an eye. i'm really going to hate saying goodbye after this long Christmas break we've had. i'm always terrible at telling him goodbye. i know Oxford isn't that far, and i usually try to visit him once a week, but it still sucks. our schedules are so different and we usually don't get to talk much. our relationship is hard, but for the first time in a very long time, there is no where else i'd rather be.

it has taken me over 2 hours to write this blog....i've gotten so distracted. hopefully next time i write it'll be more focused but until then...i hope you all have a wonderful Merry Christmas with your families and safe traveling!!!

p.s. if you guys have any suggestions on the text i should use on here to make it an easier read, let me know!!